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7 Things I Learned About Relationships In My 20s


If you’re in your 20s feeling like you don’t quite have life figured out - don’t worry, many of us don’t, especially when it comes to figuring out relationships. 

by Nicole Brumley

 

This is your season of self-discovery. From navigating your relationship with yourself to all the people around you, it’s a period of learning and (ideally) doing better each time. While my 20s aren’t done with me yet, here are a few lessons I’ve learned along the way to let you know you are not alone and that you too, will be okay. 


  1. When you set boundaries, you teach other people how to treat you. 


We all have friends who date people we know just aren’t right for them – but for some reason, it’s hard for them to see it for themselves. Maybe the friend is you and you keep finding yourself trapped in a cycle of getting into the wrong relationships and feeling constantly frustrated with the outcome. In both cases, boundaries can be the solution to the problem. When you set, communicate and uphold your boundaries, you define what you will and will not accept from others. If you keep accepting sub-par treatment, people will always undervalue you.  For some people, setting boundaries comes naturally, but sometimes, it’s a skill you learn over time. You have to realize that you are worthy of being treated well. Once you find the courage to stop accepting less, you inevitably invite people to treat you how you deserve.


2. Vagueness and vibes cannot be the foundation of any serious relationship.


If you’ve ever found yourself in a situationship, romanticizing the vies without really knowing where you and your partner are headed, then you know it doesn’t always go the way you expect it to. If you want to escape the season of situationships, you have to communicate your expectations and goals and refuse to accept vagueness as a response. Anyone who wants to be with you will let you know it without a shadow of a doubt. And anyone who keeps you guessing likely is not secure in their position by your side. Having someone be sure about you should be the bare minimum ask from a serious relationship. 


3. If your partner’s goals and morals don’t align with yours, don’t stick around hoping they’ll change.


I can remember my younger self crying at my high school sweetheart’s words when he told me he in fact did not want to get married and have kids – a direct opposite approach of where I was hoping our life would end up together. After pushing his lingering, stinging words to the back of my mind, we carried on like normal for years. I clung to the hope that he would change his mind as we both got older, but I was simply holding my breath for a punch in the gut towards the end. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page from day one, you run the risk of misaligning yourself with someone who will inevitably grow apart from you. Think about your non-negotiables and stand up for them – even if it means not standing beside the person you once hoped for. 


4. If people want to walk out of your life – let them.


If you’ve ever had someone you love walk out on you, then you know how it feels to be blindsighted, confused and hurt. We’ve all heard that good things are worth fighting for – but if someone chooses to leave your life, it’s likely for the best. Everyone is entitled to close chapters and leave behind relationships that no longer serve them and unfortunately, sometimes our hearts end up as collateral damage from people’s decisions. We have to respect other people’s decision to leave our lives, but we also owe it to ourselves to pick up the pieces once they’re gone. Life has an interesting way of removing old relationships to make room for a fresh start and the less time you spend with the wrong person gives you a chance to make room for the right one.


5. You have to be intentional about loving yourself and your singleness.


Most of us know by now that it’s better to be single than to stay with the wrong person, but loving your singleness isn’t always something that happens overnight. Learning how to be alone takes work. It can mean being intentional about planning mini-solo trips to truly find out what you enjoy doing when no one else is influencing your decisions. It can also look like going to therapy to heal wounds that can manifest in different areas of your life, all in the name of being a better version of yourself. You will have days when you feel lonely and other days when you feel empowered. Embrace it all. Take the time to truly know who you are as a person so you can confidently show up as your whole self whenever anyone enters your life. 


6. Your partner should be an addition to the stable life you create for yourself, not the main source of your happiness.


“You make me so happy” are words we all love to hear, but relying on other people for your happiness means your joy is limited to only when they’re around. When you invite a partner into your life, they should be an addition to what you already have going for yourself and not the basis of your happiness. Besides standing out as an independent and grounded person, this also allows you to build self-confidence in knowing that people may come and go, but you will be okay. 


7. Friendship breakups can hurt just as much as losing a partner.


If you’ve ever had that friend who can make you belly laugh one minute and then have the most honest and vulnerable conversations the next, then you know that having a genuine friendship is one of life’s greatest gifts. But like some misaligned partners, misaligned friends also leave. And while the loss and loneliness sting, I’ve learned that the quantity of your circle doesn’t matter as much as the quality. And while friends sometimes deserve forgiveness and grace, one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s okay to forgive and still stand apart from people who don’t deserve full access to you. 


No matter which type of relationship you navigate, your presence is a privilege. Only you can guard your heart, and your lessons will help lead you along the way. 


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